My Brain: The Battlezone

I am the most indecisive person in the world. I am also a control freak. And I do not like change. These things are not working very well for me these days.

I am losing my job in 29 days, we know this. I accept this. Part of me is happy because I get to move on and I eagerly want to. I cant stand the people I work with....really I wont miss any of them or keep in contact. I am more than ready to start a new adventure and meet some new people, learn some new things. I don't have to dress up at my work now and Ive always missed that. I'm the girl who wears khaki's or cargo's because it makes me feel more dressed up than when I'm wearing jeans. So I look forward to that again. I know, I know, most people would love to wear jeans everyday.

Then there is my hours. I work 7am-3:30pm. I love getting off early but hate getting UP early. Miss M has recently started being a grown up and complaining about her 7:30pm bedtime. "No one can believe that I go to bed so early.....so and so stays up to 9:30 or even 11pm" Yeah, that already. ugh So we have moved her bedtime to 8pm, as long as the mornings aren't rough. She will be 8yrs old in about a month and shes had this bedtime forever. She will be happy if I get new hours and gets an even later bedtime. On the flip side, I feel like new hours will turn our life upside down. We eat dinner now at 5pm. Most people are just leaving work at this time. Also, The Husband goes to work even before me at 7am so now we will be working a little different hours. What if I am up late and he always wants to go to bed early? This probably wont happen because I am a sleeper and he isn't but it is a thought that has crossed my mind.

I wish I were psychic.

Everything will be OK. The amount of unemployment I get will be more than if I take a job. I found out on Friday that there is some cobra thing going on that the government will pay most of your cobra bill. You pay 35%, which is excellent and will be about the amount I pay now. So that works out. You can collect this for 9 months....I guess they are doing this because so many people have lost their jobs. It has to be an involuntary termination so I hope a contract ending falls into that category.

I still worry about the baby situation. I am so torn over this that I cried for like 2 hours last night. How can I possibly try for a baby right now when our life is about to be turned upside down? I crave stability and I need to know everything would be OK. I feel like I don't have the time to wait a year. I am not getting any younger. (Almost 35) All of my friends are done having babies and here I am wanting to start with another at this rocky time. Then I think how I am not the most fertile so we really shouldn't give up trying because it may not even happen now anyway. But what if? Then what if I do get pregnant and no one wants to hire me because I am huge. The Husband said I would have 4-5 months before I started showing. ha! Isn't he sweet. With M it was that way but I am about 50lbs heavier now and I hear its quicker with the 2nd pregnancy.

I know everything will work out, I truly believe it but it still scares me. I just feel like I don't know which way to go. These thoughts are just swirling around in my head.......over and over and over and over.

*Disclaimer: no sympathy needed, I just had to get this out. The Husband thinks I should just make up my mind and stick to it.....obviously he's never been a woman.

In 34 more working days....

I wont be working.
Yeah.
I have known for about 3 months now but I havent really told anyone since this type of thing has happened before. I am a government contractor and every effin year it comes down to the wire on renewing the contract. They always know they are going to renew it but they switch companies. I have been in this position for 5 years and worked for 5 companies. It has always worked out and I have TRIPLED my pay since starting. I have been living on top of the world! I have worked 'in' this building since 1997, minus the 2 years I was a SAHM. I was married here (not literally), found out my exhusband was cheating on me while here (yes literally), went through my pregnancy and being a single mom here, got married again here and started my new life here. This place has been through it all with me.

This job has been boring to me for years but the pay rocks and so does the flexibility. There has been office politics/drama going on for the past year due to a skanky co-worker. It got really bad in the past few months to the point of I was almost in tears and taking my frustrations home with me because I was overwhelmed with work and she didnt do anything all day. This is only background to tell you that I dont love my job. I love the money and thats it.

Anyway. They have decided not to renew our contract. At all. This is 98% official. Our contract ends Sept 7....oh did I mention M's birthday is Sept 6? I'm always in such a great mood for her birthday parties not knowing how my job will play out. This year should really be a rockin party!

My pay will be cut in half (LITERALLY)when I lose this job. This is not an exageration. I get paid Washington, DC pay since my company is located there.....but I really live in Small Town, USA where you dont make any money.

We also cant forget that there goes babymaking. I carry the insurance on the family since The Husband is self employed. I could make more money staying home on unemployment rather than working but we wouldnt have any insurance. The baby thing makes me extra sad.

sigh.

Yay me!

I did my exercise Friday morning before we left for the weekend and I lost 1.5 lbs. I was sooooo excited. Ive never lost that much! I have been exercising 3 times per week for about a month now. Sometimes I squeeze in more time/days but realistically its only 3 times. The only thing I did differently last week was cut out some soda. I drink 2 cans of Mt Dew a day but last week I alternated days and skipped a can. Monday I drank 2 cans, Tuesday I drank 1 can and iced tea the rest of the day, Wednesday 2 cans, etc. I know water is better but tea is a happy medium for me.

The bad part? We left soon after I weighed myself. We were on the road from 10am Friday until 3pm Sunday. Thats alot of eating out, plus we went to a wedding, which equals cake. I tried to make wise choices but with eating out 3 times per day I am a little nervous that my 1.5 loss is shot.

The wedding(and weekend away)was nice. I am exhausted and wish I would have taken today off. lol

Writer's Workshop- Things about me and my Grandpa

The great MamaKat has some really good prompts this week for her Writer's Workshop. I couldnt just pick one so I did a little on 2 different prompts.

Three things that you would love to know about me

hmmm.....

I wear my heart on my sleeves. It is impossible for me to fake stuff. It’s just not me, my emotions shine through. I hate this. Sometimes I would like to be furious at someone yet smile. I just can’t.

I am not a stuck up B word. All of my life people have thought this but its so far from the truth. I’m not sure why people don’t understand that not everyone is outgoing. Once I know you I can be the life of the party but until there is a small bond I will just be cordial. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t let very many people into my ‘emotional space’. I have been disappointed one too many times by people that I thought were the greatest to only find out they really sucked.

I often talk about being Infertile yet I don’t go for further testing. This may seem odd to some and even to me. I feel a little hypocritical at times. How can I whine when I don’t take the next step? I have had a baby, The Husband has had kids, and we just had a miscarriage in June. I know we can have kids but it just hasn’t worked out yet. We have 3 kids together so I should consider myself lucky. And I do. I kind of feel like if it’s meant to be it will be. We will continue to try but there won’t be any drastic testing done. We will be ok, either way. I would LOVE to have a baby. A baby with The Husband. I am hoping that in the future I don’t regret not seeking further assistance but right now I am at peace with it. We have been blessed but would love 1 more blessing also.

About my Grandpa:

As my loyal readers know he just passed away on June 5th. He was my last remaining grandparent so that made it hurt even more than normal. He was such an awesome family man. Through my life I watched him go from having TONS of money to it slowly dwindling down to help family members. He hated seeing anyone in need of help. To his dying day he was still doing this even though he didn’t have much money left. Through all of my memories the thing that stands out to me the most is his love for my grandmother. They had such a special love and I can only hope to have near the love with The Husband for the rest of my living days. They were truly an inspiration. I miss them both so much but I am happy that they are now together, where they belong.

Thanks for stopping by!

Pay it forward with kind words

Remember when I talked about telling my friends mom what a great mom she was? I said I was going to do that every week to someone new because it made me feel good and them too.

I am the texting queen, which is funny because I used to think texting was just stupid. Now I can sit at work and text without anyone even knowing. lol

Anyway this morning I texted The Husband........

Me: you complete me

Him: ok. whats that all about.

Me: lol, just a random loving text

Him: ok luv u 2

That didn't give me the warm fuzzies like my friends mom's text did. lol He probably thought I wanted him to cook dinner again tonight since he did a great job last night :)

Have you said any random kind words?

Hum the Cops theme song.....

remember the yard sale we were to have last weekend? We did and it went well. We got up at 5am and had everything ready to go by 7am. I got rid of probably 2/3's of my stuff and was happy with the money I made. My mom didnt do as well but kids stuff always sells the best so that helped me. We stopped around 1pm and took the rest of the stuff to the Salvation Army. Right as we were getting back home it started pouring down rain. We timed that perfectly.

Are you wondering why you have the Cops theme song in your head? Because the cops came to our house yesterday. ha! The Husband wasnt thrilled that he had to deal with it. Apparently (I say that word alot) you have to have a permit to have a yard sale in our town. I have no idea how they knew. We had signs up but we took them down and they didnt have our full address on them anyway. Its driving The Husband crazy wondering how they knew. I just laugh. We got off with a warning and were told we are only allowed to have 2 yard sales per year. Oh and they gave us the rules and regulations sheet for our town. lol I am glad they didnt 'bust' our yard sale. How embarrassing would that have been. I wouldnt be laughing then. :)

Such criminals we are.

Do you live in the same place?

When I was 12 years old we moved to a place that was a total culture shock to me. City girl meets country world. I had no idea what these kids in my 6th grade class were talking about.....commode's, bloomer's, reckon....huh? I was known as the 'Jordache Girl' because that's the only kind of jeans I wore. I had a phone and TV in my room and the girls who stayed with me acted like they were staying in the Trump Plaza because of all my 'extras'.

I adjusted, even picked up the accent but never the slang. lol I have the best memories of my childhood in this place. Actually I hardly even remember my life before moving there. It was like my life began there. I lived there until I was 18 and then moved to be with my ex-husband.....I met him in this area because he knew a guy there.

I haven't been there in years! Yesterday I decided that I wasn't cleaning and we were going there. Just like that, in the shower, hey honey this is what we are doing today. I am so not a spontaneous girl!! It was on my list of things to do.... I wanted to show M where I was from. So we went. The drive there took forever. M saw her first chipmunk and raccoon. Also a deer that was just getting horns. I showed her where I went swimming, my elementary school, my bus stop, my extra long mountainous driveway that I had to walk, my initials that are still painted on the rocks (didn't tell her exh did that, of course), the bank that I had my first savings account at, where we used to go out to eat, etc.

It was a nice day and I enjoyed sharing a little of my past with The Husband and M.

Oh and a funny.....I showed M my first bank because we cleaned out her piggy bank last week and will be opening up a savings account for her money. She probably had $200 in that thing!! So this morning on the way to daycare we passed my bank, the bank that will soon be hers, and she said.........
and this is where I had my first savings account. ha! she was mocking me. I laughed and told her she could tell her kids that one day. It was a nice and relaxing day!

Why do I torture myself?

there was a 8 yr old boy in my area that had an outdoor fireplace fall on him this week.
He has severe head trauma.
I read about it at our news stations website. They mentioned that the family had a blog but didn't give the addy. One simple google search and it was the #1 result. There are pics of him, pics of his family, with his friends, playing T-ball......he is a real kid.
*I* have an 8 yr old (almost, in 2 mos).......so why would I even go look at this. I now sit at work fighting tears with this huge lump in my throat. And I will go back to that site for updates.

Why?

Wanna buy some junk?

Yard sales always seem like a good idea until its actually time to do them. Once it comes down to it.....there is no fun in actually setting up the junk or gathering all of it afterwards to take it to the Salvation Army. I don't mind the money part. I have made hundreds before doing this.....which is why I continue. I don't mind the sitting outside all day or dealing with the people. It's just the prep and tear down. If only I had a magical wand.

So tomorrow we will get up at 5am (ha, ugh) to be up and ready by 7am, when it starts. My mom is joining us so she will come tonight and spend the night since she lives an hour away. We have tons of stuff to set out, we have to put up signs around town and I don't have everything priced yet so we will do that as we set up.

M is sooo excited to be more involved this year. The Husband mentioned her having a lemonade stand and she has been looking forward to it for months. She is also going to sell cookies.....we made them last night and put into baggies. I made her come up with the prices, within reason. She wanted to charge $1 PER cookie or cup of lemonade. ha! I explained that people may think that was expensive and not buy so she had to think about that. She settled on 50 cents for a baggie of 3 cookies and 50 cents for a cup of lemonade.
She made her own sign with the prices. lol
It said:
Lemonade 50 cents
Sugar Cookies 50 cents
Both $1 (like they are getting a deal here, lol)

I'm proud of her and really enjoyed helping her plan this. I think it will make the yard sale worth it. She is going to have her own little table and do her own money. SUCH a big girl!

All good things must come to an end....

that's kind of a sucky statement huh? I love good things and dont want them to end.

I'm a little late on updating about our 4th but I was busy yesterday. Hope everyone had a great weekend!!

Friday was a hectic day of hair appts, grocery shopping and running errands. We left the house at 8:30 and got home at 2pm. The cook-out started at 5pm. The Husband had to work and then go pick up his girls so he didn't get home until 4pm. He took a shower and started grilling! Beforehand my mom asked me what I wanted her to bring and I said chips.
She brought:
chips
salsa
cheese dip
pretzels
salt and pepper chips
ranch dip
some other flavor dip
a whole watermelon
a tray to put the chips and dip in
macaroni salad
a CAKE (remember I made the rainbow cake for my step daughters birthday)
cool whip
strawberries
and probably other stuff that I cant think of now. I was not happy. Chips, I said bring CHIPS. This may seem silly but it made me feel like I couldn't have my own party or something. She did the same thing when we had Thanksgiving at my house last year. Maybe it makes me feel like a child, who knows but it made me moody! lol

We ate, I made a batch of pina colada's to drink, we hung out and let the kids play outside until it was time to go see the fireworks. The resort that we went to watch fireworks at was packed. We had been there before but there wasn't nearly the amount of people there then. Alot of places in our area didn't do them this year so I'm sure that was the reason.

Saturday we went shopping for the birthday girl and she got lots of cool things. We went bowling and then she picked CiCi's to eat at for her birthday dinner. It was a nice day.

Sunday I didn't even get dressed. I showered and changed into new jammies.....that's it. I did do some laundry because these people I live with needed clothes for the week.

I am such an addict.....

I am exercising while I surf the net. I have my laptop on the bar in the kitchen and I am doing 30 minutes of free step on Wii Fit. Usually I watch TV while I do it but I had this bright idea this morning. Sure I'm not working my arms but I never do.....I can fit my hand around my wrist, they have always been small. Its just the lower half of me that's decided to expand.

And I lost 1.1 lbs since last week. Yay! Ive stuck to the working out 3 times a week and mostly watching what I eat. This weekend is jam packed with bad food so we will see how that goes.

Have a safe and happy 4th!

oh and it kinda sucks that The Husband had to work today so he got up at 5ish and I haven't been able to go back to sleep. M is still sleeping and Ive been up for an hour. crazy! We have a 9am hair appt so I may have to wake her.....that's so unreal.

Do something nice and unexpected today

Let someone know that you are thinking of them.....it will make them feel all warm and fuzzy.

I did this yesterday and I felt good about it and I know the person did too.

I know a family that has been through so much and constantly get stuff thrown at them. They used to be my neighbors where I lived in my previous life (with the ex husband) and I became close with the whole family. They used to be really strict Mennonites, no TV and all that but then the father cheated, left the mother with everything and didn't see the kids anymore.

The oldest boy has issues, he's like 35 and still lives at home--no girlfriend, really doesn't like to work much--just a bum.

Then the middle boy was a pretty good boy.....until he decided to race his motorcycle going 100+. He has brain damage. For the past 7 years he has been at home, his mom takes care of him, he cant be left alone because he cant walk, he acts and talks like he is 2 yrs old. They did finally potty train him last year so she doesn't have to change his diapers very much anymore. The mother's life was forever changed from the moment her son decided to have a little fun and be careless.

Last but not least, the girl. When she was born she had to have a shunt put into her head to drain the fluid from her brain....or something like that, I suck at medical stuff. A few years ago she had to have her shunt changed. This involved shaving her head and some pretty graphic stuff. I was there for the procedure and was amazed what they can do without actually doing surgery. Fast forward and the girl had a kid by her boyfriend of many years. He's a uninvolved jerk. Then she married her first love and had a baby with him. He's a bit controlling so they don't have the greatest marriage. She then starts having seizures. They get worse and worse. She has these 2 kids at home so its kinda like she cant be left home alone with the kids now. Everyone joked that it was the stress of her marriage that is making her have seizures until this week when she was put in the hospital for testing. They took her off all meds and made her seize over and over to try to pinpoint what is making them happen. They ruled out stress because its not the right part of the brain or something. Now they are thinking they have to go in and do brain surgery. This could be very risky and scary. Her kids are 5 and 3yrs old.

All that to say.......I texted the mom yesterday, out of the blue, and said 'you are a great mom'. She was so touched and wondered why I was saying this to her. It made her feel good and it made me feel good that she felt that way. This lady would do anything for anybody and its never her turn to just.......be.

Touch someone, tell them how you feel, just say it. I plan on doing this once a week to random people.