I lost my dad. I was always quite a daddy's girl until my parents started having marital problems and separated. I played the teen role of choosing who will let me party more. The lucky winner was my mom.
On this specific day, 18 yrs ago, I was in my room getting ready to go out. I had just turned 17.... 2 weeks before and thought I was too cool for the world. You know the teen attitude. My dad came to pick my brother up for visitation, he came in my room and tried to talk to me while I was getting ready. We had a little small talk and then he went to leave. He told me he loved me and I didn't say it back. At that time I had no idea that this moment would haunt me for the rest of my life.
He left, I went out, life continued as usual. Until 4am when someone called my mom and said that my dad had died. I can still envision the 15 min ride, going 100mph, to get to my dad because surely we could save him. My mom was a frantic mess.....they married young so she was only 36 and was now dealing with this. At my age now, almost the same age as her then, I just can not imagine having a teen, a tween and her husband dying.
I remember all of it yet at the same time it all seems like a blur. For years, even now sometimes, I couldn't even talk about my dad without crying. I missed him soooo much. It wasn't fair that my brother had to give me away at my (first) wedding. It wasn't fair that he hasn't been able to see his grandchildren. Its still not fair that my brother and I don't have a dad to go to. To talk to, to confide in, to get advise from, to go visit, to call, to love.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea to write.
I was fine until I started typing this and now I am crying.
It just hurts and it sucks.
I know plenty of people have lost their parents but I'm immature and like to stomp my feet and wonder why it had to happen to me.
(disclaimer: I'm not indulging in the whole story but wanted to say my brother was safe and sound when this event happened)
Showing posts with label life kinda sucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life kinda sucks. Show all posts
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monday, June 08, 2009
Last week.....
my grandfather died and I had a miscarriage.
Nice huh? Yeah it was a great week.
I was due to get my period on Friday so I was paranoid the whole time we were away. We got home from Hershey Park Sunday night and I took a dollar tree pregnancy test just because. (Remember years of infertility here) So there was 2 lines but I was so tired I just kinda went to bed. Madison and I stayed home Monday because we were exhausted, this was pre-planned, since we didnt get home until 9:30 Sunday night. The Husband gets up the next morning and wakes me up to say he see's the lines too and he was all rubbing my tummy. Still in shock all day, while out running errands I picked up a First Response early detection pregnancy test. 2 lines also....and I didnt use first morning pee. We had so many emotions....shock, happiness, you name it. We looked at baby names because we want to name a future baby an M name so that we will have 2 J's and 2 M's. We were just all wrapped up in this. I made my dr's appt etc.
Tuesday morning I got up and was bleeding. TMI---first it was just regular bleeding and then it got heavier and heavier. I called the dr and took my lunch break having a blood test done. Got the results back on Wed that my levels were 14, 10 is pregnant. So yay, I am really pregnant but there is this bleeding still. Everyone thought optimistically but I tried to stay numb. It was scary! We didnt tell hardly anyone....my mom, MIL, girls I am on a message board with and the guy The Husband works with. Ok so results on Wed and then back for more bloodwork on Thursday to make sure my levels were rising. Another lunch hour getting blood work.....results on Friday. Can I just tell you that this is the most drawn out process ever? I spent my whole week not knowing if I were going to have a baby or not.
So lets skip over to my grandfather. He has been sick, Ive posted about that. We knew he wasnt going to make it very long. My mom told me Thursday night that he was doing pretty bad. I hadnt been to see him because I was so wrapped up in this pregnancy thing. I wanted to go that night but my mom said no, she didnt want me getting sick. He had some sort of flu. So I didnt go. We had planned on going Sunday to spend the day with him. I slept with my phone near me that night. I cried before bed. I knew, I just knew. 5:30am my phone rings....before even seeing who it was I knew *WHAT* it was. My mom waited until it was time for me to get up to tell me. My grandfather died at 3am. He went to sleep and that was it. The nurse had checked on him and he was fine....she went back in 10 mins later and he was gone. I laid in bed crying. I told M and she started crying so I kept her home from school. (she had only missed 1 other day the whole year and now shes missed tons) I tried not to upset myself too much because, afterall, I was pregnant.
The dr hadnt called and it was 11:45am so I called them. My levels fell and I had a miscarriage. The rest of the day was spent sobbing my effin eyes out trying to figure out WHY. Why tease a person with infertility? Why let me be pregnant for 1 whole effin day? WHY? Why make this happen now, when my grandpa was dying? This consumed the whole last week of his life and kept me from seeing him.
I thought I was doing better but as I type this I am angry, almost crying and want to say the F word alot.
The funeral is tomorrow. They had to wait for family to fly in. The past week has been such a whirlwind. I lost a baby that I yearned for, for years and my last grandparent too.
Nice huh? Yeah it was a great week.
I was due to get my period on Friday so I was paranoid the whole time we were away. We got home from Hershey Park Sunday night and I took a dollar tree pregnancy test just because. (Remember years of infertility here) So there was 2 lines but I was so tired I just kinda went to bed. Madison and I stayed home Monday because we were exhausted, this was pre-planned, since we didnt get home until 9:30 Sunday night. The Husband gets up the next morning and wakes me up to say he see's the lines too and he was all rubbing my tummy. Still in shock all day, while out running errands I picked up a First Response early detection pregnancy test. 2 lines also....and I didnt use first morning pee. We had so many emotions....shock, happiness, you name it. We looked at baby names because we want to name a future baby an M name so that we will have 2 J's and 2 M's. We were just all wrapped up in this. I made my dr's appt etc.
Tuesday morning I got up and was bleeding. TMI---first it was just regular bleeding and then it got heavier and heavier. I called the dr and took my lunch break having a blood test done. Got the results back on Wed that my levels were 14, 10 is pregnant. So yay, I am really pregnant but there is this bleeding still. Everyone thought optimistically but I tried to stay numb. It was scary! We didnt tell hardly anyone....my mom, MIL, girls I am on a message board with and the guy The Husband works with. Ok so results on Wed and then back for more bloodwork on Thursday to make sure my levels were rising. Another lunch hour getting blood work.....results on Friday. Can I just tell you that this is the most drawn out process ever? I spent my whole week not knowing if I were going to have a baby or not.
So lets skip over to my grandfather. He has been sick, Ive posted about that. We knew he wasnt going to make it very long. My mom told me Thursday night that he was doing pretty bad. I hadnt been to see him because I was so wrapped up in this pregnancy thing. I wanted to go that night but my mom said no, she didnt want me getting sick. He had some sort of flu. So I didnt go. We had planned on going Sunday to spend the day with him. I slept with my phone near me that night. I cried before bed. I knew, I just knew. 5:30am my phone rings....before even seeing who it was I knew *WHAT* it was. My mom waited until it was time for me to get up to tell me. My grandfather died at 3am. He went to sleep and that was it. The nurse had checked on him and he was fine....she went back in 10 mins later and he was gone. I laid in bed crying. I told M and she started crying so I kept her home from school. (she had only missed 1 other day the whole year and now shes missed tons) I tried not to upset myself too much because, afterall, I was pregnant.
The dr hadnt called and it was 11:45am so I called them. My levels fell and I had a miscarriage. The rest of the day was spent sobbing my effin eyes out trying to figure out WHY. Why tease a person with infertility? Why let me be pregnant for 1 whole effin day? WHY? Why make this happen now, when my grandpa was dying? This consumed the whole last week of his life and kept me from seeing him.
I thought I was doing better but as I type this I am angry, almost crying and want to say the F word alot.
The funeral is tomorrow. They had to wait for family to fly in. The past week has been such a whirlwind. I lost a baby that I yearned for, for years and my last grandparent too.
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