Monday, June 08, 2009

Last week.....

my grandfather died and I had a miscarriage.

Nice huh? Yeah it was a great week.

I was due to get my period on Friday so I was paranoid the whole time we were away. We got home from Hershey Park Sunday night and I took a dollar tree pregnancy test just because. (Remember years of infertility here) So there was 2 lines but I was so tired I just kinda went to bed. Madison and I stayed home Monday because we were exhausted, this was pre-planned, since we didnt get home until 9:30 Sunday night. The Husband gets up the next morning and wakes me up to say he see's the lines too and he was all rubbing my tummy. Still in shock all day, while out running errands I picked up a First Response early detection pregnancy test. 2 lines also....and I didnt use first morning pee. We had so many emotions....shock, happiness, you name it. We looked at baby names because we want to name a future baby an M name so that we will have 2 J's and 2 M's. We were just all wrapped up in this. I made my dr's appt etc.
Tuesday morning I got up and was bleeding. TMI---first it was just regular bleeding and then it got heavier and heavier. I called the dr and took my lunch break having a blood test done. Got the results back on Wed that my levels were 14, 10 is pregnant. So yay, I am really pregnant but there is this bleeding still. Everyone thought optimistically but I tried to stay numb. It was scary! We didnt tell hardly anyone....my mom, MIL, girls I am on a message board with and the guy The Husband works with. Ok so results on Wed and then back for more bloodwork on Thursday to make sure my levels were rising. Another lunch hour getting blood work.....results on Friday. Can I just tell you that this is the most drawn out process ever? I spent my whole week not knowing if I were going to have a baby or not.
So lets skip over to my grandfather. He has been sick, Ive posted about that. We knew he wasnt going to make it very long. My mom told me Thursday night that he was doing pretty bad. I hadnt been to see him because I was so wrapped up in this pregnancy thing. I wanted to go that night but my mom said no, she didnt want me getting sick. He had some sort of flu. So I didnt go. We had planned on going Sunday to spend the day with him. I slept with my phone near me that night. I cried before bed. I knew, I just knew. 5:30am my phone rings....before even seeing who it was I knew *WHAT* it was. My mom waited until it was time for me to get up to tell me. My grandfather died at 3am. He went to sleep and that was it. The nurse had checked on him and he was fine....she went back in 10 mins later and he was gone. I laid in bed crying. I told M and she started crying so I kept her home from school. (she had only missed 1 other day the whole year and now shes missed tons) I tried not to upset myself too much because, afterall, I was pregnant.

The dr hadnt called and it was 11:45am so I called them. My levels fell and I had a miscarriage. The rest of the day was spent sobbing my effin eyes out trying to figure out WHY. Why tease a person with infertility? Why let me be pregnant for 1 whole effin day? WHY? Why make this happen now, when my grandpa was dying? This consumed the whole last week of his life and kept me from seeing him.

I thought I was doing better but as I type this I am angry, almost crying and want to say the F word alot.

The funeral is tomorrow. They had to wait for family to fly in. The past week has been such a whirlwind. I lost a baby that I yearned for, for years and my last grandparent too.

9 comments:

Ashley said...

Wow. I'm so sorry about your grandfather. And even more sorry about your miscarriage. I cant even imagine what you must be going through. But just know that God has a reason for everything He does. Maybe God gave you the baby and then took him/her away because He felt the baby needed to be with your grandfather more? Think of it that way. It will happen when the time is right, when God is ready for you to have another baby.
And btw, I totally feel your pain on the endless blood tests and the agony waiting for the phone call the next day. Its not always the best news, but it just makes the day you get the good call the best day of your life. :)
Hang in there.

Staci said...

I am so sorry!!! :( I cannot even begin to imagine the sadness that you are feeling :( I wish I could make it better!!!! Hugs!!!

Amber said...

Oh, I am so so sorry to hear this. I'm so sorry about your grandpa. I am SO sorry about your miscarriage. I DO know that there is absolutely nothing that I can say to make either one of them better.

I will be praying for you and your family. And praying that your day will come very soon! And while we're at it, let's pray that my day comes very soon too! I'm also terrified that the next time will end in miscarriage again, so let's just be there for each other....

Lisha said...

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I just don't understand sometimes when it rains it pours. I do hope everything begins looking up for you. And it will. Keep your spirits up.

Jodi said...

I'm SO SO sorry! There is nothing I can say to make you feel better about either thing, so I'll just say I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you!

Snarky A. said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I can't even imagine the heartbreak you must be going through. Sorry you have to go through this, but you will get through this. Take care of yourself.

~~Mel~~ said...

So you did post and I somehow missed it!!!

I was right there with you during this rollercoaster and I just want to ditto your "life kinda sucks" because it sure did for you last week. I've never 'met' a stronger person though...I gotta say!!! You had so much going on and you stayed sane...that's got to say something about you, right???

You and T will have a baby...I know you will. For some reason (only known to God) now wasn't the right time.

Just Me said...

I know I'm late, but I'm sorry :(

Trudy said...

I am very sorry for your losses. I hope things are looking up for you soon and you can work on getting pregnant again.

Visiting from Mama Kat's...saw this under your other post.