18 years ago today....

I lost my dad. I was always quite a daddy's girl until my parents started having marital problems and separated. I played the teen role of choosing who will let me party more. The lucky winner was my mom.

On this specific day, 18 yrs ago, I was in my room getting ready to go out. I had just turned 17.... 2 weeks before and thought I was too cool for the world. You know the teen attitude. My dad came to pick my brother up for visitation, he came in my room and tried to talk to me while I was getting ready. We had a little small talk and then he went to leave. He told me he loved me and I didn't say it back. At that time I had no idea that this moment would haunt me for the rest of my life.

He left, I went out, life continued as usual. Until 4am when someone called my mom and said that my dad had died. I can still envision the 15 min ride, going 100mph, to get to my dad because surely we could save him. My mom was a frantic mess.....they married young so she was only 36 and was now dealing with this. At my age now, almost the same age as her then, I just can not imagine having a teen, a tween and her husband dying.

I remember all of it yet at the same time it all seems like a blur. For years, even now sometimes, I couldn't even talk about my dad without crying. I missed him soooo much. It wasn't fair that my brother had to give me away at my (first) wedding. It wasn't fair that he hasn't been able to see his grandchildren. Its still not fair that my brother and I don't have a dad to go to. To talk to, to confide in, to get advise from, to go visit, to call, to love.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea to write.
I was fine until I started typing this and now I am crying.
It just hurts and it sucks.
I know plenty of people have lost their parents but I'm immature and like to stomp my feet and wonder why it had to happen to me.


(disclaimer: I'm not indulging in the whole story but wanted to say my brother was safe and sound when this event happened)