Infertility

Sucks and it hurts. Not physically hurts more like putting a fist through your chest….grabbing your heart and slowllllllllly turning it and pulling it out. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
Here I go with the real life stuff again. I will warning you if you are one of those people who get pregnant by just being in the same room with a man, you should probably stop reading now. You may not like what I have to say. I mean no harm but these are my feelings.

It sucks to hear that someone else is pregnant. That should be a time for joyous laughs and ohhh yay’s but when you have dealt with Infertility its more of a time to cry. I hate that I cant be happy for people that are pregnant. It doesn’t matter if its real life or if its on the Internet. It hurts. Women are supposed to make babies, that’s just what they do. I know that’s a silly way of thinking but its kinda true. So when you cant make babies it feels like something is wrong with you. At least it does for me.

I know you guys have no idea what I am even talking about so here comes the hard part where I share stuff about me. I was with my ex-husband for 8 years and we tried to get pregnant almost the whole time we were together. We went through testing on me and him. His sperm count came back low so we assumed it was him that was the problem. Welllll he decided that he was going to use us not having a baby as an excuse to go cheat with someone who had 2 kids because….they could have kids. Messed up, right? Yeah it almost gave me a nervous breakdown. Here’s where it gets good….the cheating husband and the home wrecking whore got pregnant and had their baby before we were even divorced. That’s always good for the self esteem. I date another guy for a year, we have sex one last time before I decide I hate him and SURPRISE. My miracle baby was born. Now I know all about safe sex blah blah so save the judgement. My husband had a baby with someone else! At this point in life I really didn’t care about anything and I really shouldn’t have even been in this relationship with the boyfriend. I assumed it was me that couldn’t have kids since my ex-husband proved that he could.
The biological idiot has never and will never be a part of my daughter’s life. I carry huuuuuge guilt that I didn’t give her the white picket fence life like I had always planned for my kids. The one that I had. I met The Husband when she was 2yrs old and he loves her just like his own, honestly, but it still bothers me that she may be ‘scarred’ in the future or something. And I will be the one who caused that.

Whoa. So much for giving you a little back-story. Now here I am happily married with my miracle baby and 2 step daughters. Things should be ok since I now have more kids but its not. The Husband and I would love to have a baby but it doesn’t work. Again. We have both had kids so we know we can. Its all so frustrating. I should be happy that I have been blessed with what I have since many don’t even have that. But I want a baby. It makes my eyes sting to read about people that are pregnant. Who am I kidding? I avoid it. I will go out of my way to not read about peoples pregnancies. I even alienated my best friend when she was pregnant. It. Just. Hurts. I want to be able to experience pregnancy and all that goes with it with someone. Being a single mom made me really strong and independent but I would like to try it the real way too. Now I feel like I'm too old to even have another baby. (34)

I’m not re-reading this because I don’t want to cry so excuse any errors you may find.

A day in the life of me

I thought it would be fun to keep track of everything I did today. Yes, I'm playing games with myself again.

*Made a batch of chocolate chip pancakes
*Burnt my finger on chocolate chip pancakes
*Made a batch of regular pancakes
*Made and froze spaghetti sauce
*Made and froze pizza sauce
*Cooked BBQ chicken in crock pot (a dinner for this coming week)
*filled the sugar container up
*washed the stove off 692 times (a cream colored stove sucks....when we replace it I will get black, just for future reference)
*wiped down kitchen cabinets
*made homemade baked mac and cheese and Baked Chicken Parmesan for dinner
*washed and put away 3 loads of laundry
*made M's chore chart for the coming week
*re-arranged a cabinet and packed up some useless glasses (why do they make those small glasses anyway?)
*swept, mopped the kitchen floor and scrub the baseboards
*Asked M to pick up her things and then listened to how her legs hurt and she hates walking
*Watched HGTV
*talked to my mom on the phone
*Surfed the Internet on my 'down' times
*realized I acted like a jerk to The Husband yesterday and now I'm beginning to question my med free status
*called my cell phone company to see if I could block private calls since one woke me up at 12:30 last night.
*watched part of Untraceable with The Husband (I cant sit still to watch a whole movie)
*M taught me how to juggle Easter eggs
*watched M put on a show to "love story" by Taylor Swift
*watched America's funniest home video's with the family
*cleaned M's ears
*dyed my hair for the 753 time in the past 24 hours
*took a very hot bath
*have the Sunday Sickness again (I skipped last week)

So what did you do today?

Lexapro free

I haven't really talked about 'real life' stuff on here yet because I didn't know where I wanted to go with this blog. So far it has just been a place where I write down my many random thoughts. But this is my blog and it is real life so........

I have been on Lexapro for about a year. I was depressed and just blah, plus I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from a fatal accident that I was in (I was a passenger in a car that hit someone head on and killed the person). So yeah I have tons of anxiety.

My Dr prescribed anti-depressant after anti-depressant and none of them seemed to help. Finally we settled on Lexapro and I felt G-R-E-A-T. Well I become immune to medicine or something because they always quit working. My anxiety creeped back in so my Dr gave me some kind of (forget the name) pill that I take if I am having an anxiety attack and it works right away. He doesnt give the anxiety pill out in a refill-able (made up word) amount because he said it can become addictive. Wonderful, that’s all I need!

Fast forward to a few months ago and I don’t really feel the Lexapro is working anymore. I researched natural remedies for anxiety online and decided I was going to try Kava Kava. Around this time I also started exercising everyday and just trying to take control of my life. In the beginning of March I went off the Lexapro and honestly I have felt great since. I have laughed more this month than I can remember. I honestly just feel happier than I have in a long time. TMI but my sex drive is back, which is good for a couple who is TTC. Everything is just peachy!

EXCEPT for the panic attacks. I have been trying yoga, deeeeeeep breathing and talking myself out of it and that seems to be working. I am so amazed at some of my triggers though. The Husband and I were talking about it last night. He feels like when I can not control something that’s when I start panicking. I know I have control issues (lol) but I think he may be right. If something is out of my control it stresses me out. Not normal stress out, more like full on freak out. Some things are always going to be out of my control so I am just going to have to learn to deal with them. This should be interesting! My attacks have quadrupled since stopping the Lexapro so I’m not sure if this is from weaning or if this is how life really is without it. Either way I feel like its time that I face this stuff head on. I hate breathing heavy. I hate feeling like I can’t catch my breath. I hate feeling like there is 1000lbs on my chest.

I have an amazing husband who has stood by me through some very moody times and a great daughter who I am truly blessed to have. What else do I need? I can do this!

So, there you go…..your first real glance into who I am.