Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Infertility

Sucks and it hurts. Not physically hurts more like putting a fist through your chest….grabbing your heart and slowllllllllly turning it and pulling it out. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
Here I go with the real life stuff again. I will warning you if you are one of those people who get pregnant by just being in the same room with a man, you should probably stop reading now. You may not like what I have to say. I mean no harm but these are my feelings.

It sucks to hear that someone else is pregnant. That should be a time for joyous laughs and ohhh yay’s but when you have dealt with Infertility its more of a time to cry. I hate that I cant be happy for people that are pregnant. It doesn’t matter if its real life or if its on the Internet. It hurts. Women are supposed to make babies, that’s just what they do. I know that’s a silly way of thinking but its kinda true. So when you cant make babies it feels like something is wrong with you. At least it does for me.

I know you guys have no idea what I am even talking about so here comes the hard part where I share stuff about me. I was with my ex-husband for 8 years and we tried to get pregnant almost the whole time we were together. We went through testing on me and him. His sperm count came back low so we assumed it was him that was the problem. Welllll he decided that he was going to use us not having a baby as an excuse to go cheat with someone who had 2 kids because….they could have kids. Messed up, right? Yeah it almost gave me a nervous breakdown. Here’s where it gets good….the cheating husband and the home wrecking whore got pregnant and had their baby before we were even divorced. That’s always good for the self esteem. I date another guy for a year, we have sex one last time before I decide I hate him and SURPRISE. My miracle baby was born. Now I know all about safe sex blah blah so save the judgement. My husband had a baby with someone else! At this point in life I really didn’t care about anything and I really shouldn’t have even been in this relationship with the boyfriend. I assumed it was me that couldn’t have kids since my ex-husband proved that he could.
The biological idiot has never and will never be a part of my daughter’s life. I carry huuuuuge guilt that I didn’t give her the white picket fence life like I had always planned for my kids. The one that I had. I met The Husband when she was 2yrs old and he loves her just like his own, honestly, but it still bothers me that she may be ‘scarred’ in the future or something. And I will be the one who caused that.

Whoa. So much for giving you a little back-story. Now here I am happily married with my miracle baby and 2 step daughters. Things should be ok since I now have more kids but its not. The Husband and I would love to have a baby but it doesn’t work. Again. We have both had kids so we know we can. Its all so frustrating. I should be happy that I have been blessed with what I have since many don’t even have that. But I want a baby. It makes my eyes sting to read about people that are pregnant. Who am I kidding? I avoid it. I will go out of my way to not read about peoples pregnancies. I even alienated my best friend when she was pregnant. It. Just. Hurts. I want to be able to experience pregnancy and all that goes with it with someone. Being a single mom made me really strong and independent but I would like to try it the real way too. Now I feel like I'm too old to even have another baby. (34)

I’m not re-reading this because I don’t want to cry so excuse any errors you may find.

13 comments:

Jodi said...

Hon - infertility is so hard and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (not that I have any)! First off, you are not too old at all to have a baby! I really hope it works for you!!!! Good luck and keep sharing, it sometimes helps to write and vent!

Staci said...

:( I'm sorry! I can only imagine how hard it is for you to see, read, and hear about people getting pregnant...
First: hugs!!

Second, you are NOT too old to have a baby!!!! I can't wait for the day that you post I'm preggo on the blog!!! It will come! :)

Third: The white picket fence is not always what it appears. Trust me! I supposedly came from that and I am twisted :)

Finally, No way No how can M be scarred! It is evident that she is surrounded by love and that is what they truely need! You give her love and compassion and for that you are a ROCK awesome mom!!! M is lucky to have you! She will group to be a FAB woman just like her mom!

- Sarah :-) said...

I stumbled upon your blog - I hope you don't mind!

And I'm sure you're not looking for sympathy... and I can't say I know what you're going through... but there's supposed to be a good probability that my husband and I won't be able to haev kids, and I know it'll be me if we can't. And my sister and her husband have been going 5 years, so far... and nothing. This 5 years included 2 failed attempts at an IUI. Next step is in-vetro, but it just doesn't feel right, yet, for them.

I'll be praying for you guys and I can't imagine what you're going through... but it makes sense that it's so hard.

I guess I'm rambling because I don't know what to say, so maybe I shoudl just shut my mouth, now?!

That Girl said...

thanks guys. I do feel kind of exposed now. Like I revealed a dirty little secret or something. lol
Staci, you almost made me cry!

~~Mel~~ said...

I've been there with you through this struggle...and again wish there was some way I could take away your pain. You are a great mom and deserve everything you've ever wanted.

cecemeetsworld said...

I just saw your comment on Amber's blog and came over.. I hate that you are going through IF... but you are SO not alone. I start my IVF protocol in about three weeks. Have 2 kids already and one baby in the lap of Jesus.

I am proud of your vunerability and honesty. It can be a lonely, bitter, long road... but looks to me like you have it pretty much together. I will be praying for an awesome miracle.

CeCe

Staci said...

I'm sorry! I didn't want to make you cry!!! :) I know what you mean about feeling exosed. Someone IRL has come across my blog and feels I share too many negative things about my kids... I didn't think so, but now I must wonder KWIM? Anyway exposure has its good and bad! : )

That Girl said...

Staci, I dont feel like you say anything bad about your kids. odd!

Tanielle said...

I'm sorry! I have a couple of friends who haven't been able to get pregnant. I've seen their heart-ache and struggle. My thoughts and prayers are with you! I love that you share these honest feelings, it makes you a real person! I've been through the cheating, getting someone else pregnant thing. It was the worst time of my life! And...you are not too old for a baby! My sister had her last at 42.

Thinkin' about you!

Yaya said...

Thank you for sharing this. It's good to know that I am not alone in my feelings.

Yes, anytime I hear or read about someone else being pregnant and they're all "Yay for me!" I get tears in my eyes. Every time. I hate it. I know I'm supposed to be happy...blah blah blah...but it sucks. Why me? What did I do wrong in this life? When is it my turn? Why must I continue on living child free when all I want in life is a baby?

Helene said...

I stumbled across your blog from Alicia's blog (Yaya Stuff). I too dealt with infertility and I can relate to most of the things you wrote about. Good for you on sharing your innermost feelings and being honest about what you're going through. I'm sure there are a whole lotta women reading this and nodding their heads because they totally get where you're coming from.

frillsfluffandtrucks said...

*hugs*

We went through IF treatments and I know your pain. Then for some reason (pregnancy hormones??) while I was pregnant with our second child, we decided my husband should have a vasectomy. We both really really regret that decision.

So now if we want to have more babies, first we would have to have the vasectomy reversed and then we would need to deal with the infertility stuff. I have no clue what we were thinking with that vasectomy.

I'm having a very hard time being around pregnant women right now and really feel your pain. A couple of months ago we ended up leaving Mass because I felt as though we were surrounded by pregnant women and I just couldn't stop tearing up.

Huge hugs coming your way.

~ Sarah

That Girl said...

HuGS Sarah! I cant imagine all of the emotions you guys have been through.