Monday, July 27, 2009

My Brain: The Battlezone

I am the most indecisive person in the world. I am also a control freak. And I do not like change. These things are not working very well for me these days.

I am losing my job in 29 days, we know this. I accept this. Part of me is happy because I get to move on and I eagerly want to. I cant stand the people I work with....really I wont miss any of them or keep in contact. I am more than ready to start a new adventure and meet some new people, learn some new things. I don't have to dress up at my work now and Ive always missed that. I'm the girl who wears khaki's or cargo's because it makes me feel more dressed up than when I'm wearing jeans. So I look forward to that again. I know, I know, most people would love to wear jeans everyday.

Then there is my hours. I work 7am-3:30pm. I love getting off early but hate getting UP early. Miss M has recently started being a grown up and complaining about her 7:30pm bedtime. "No one can believe that I go to bed so and so stays up to 9:30 or even 11pm" Yeah, that already. ugh So we have moved her bedtime to 8pm, as long as the mornings aren't rough. She will be 8yrs old in about a month and shes had this bedtime forever. She will be happy if I get new hours and gets an even later bedtime. On the flip side, I feel like new hours will turn our life upside down. We eat dinner now at 5pm. Most people are just leaving work at this time. Also, The Husband goes to work even before me at 7am so now we will be working a little different hours. What if I am up late and he always wants to go to bed early? This probably wont happen because I am a sleeper and he isn't but it is a thought that has crossed my mind.

I wish I were psychic.

Everything will be OK. The amount of unemployment I get will be more than if I take a job. I found out on Friday that there is some cobra thing going on that the government will pay most of your cobra bill. You pay 35%, which is excellent and will be about the amount I pay now. So that works out. You can collect this for 9 months....I guess they are doing this because so many people have lost their jobs. It has to be an involuntary termination so I hope a contract ending falls into that category.

I still worry about the baby situation. I am so torn over this that I cried for like 2 hours last night. How can I possibly try for a baby right now when our life is about to be turned upside down? I crave stability and I need to know everything would be OK. I feel like I don't have the time to wait a year. I am not getting any younger. (Almost 35) All of my friends are done having babies and here I am wanting to start with another at this rocky time. Then I think how I am not the most fertile so we really shouldn't give up trying because it may not even happen now anyway. But what if? Then what if I do get pregnant and no one wants to hire me because I am huge. The Husband said I would have 4-5 months before I started showing. ha! Isn't he sweet. With M it was that way but I am about 50lbs heavier now and I hear its quicker with the 2nd pregnancy.

I know everything will work out, I truly believe it but it still scares me. I just feel like I don't know which way to go. These thoughts are just swirling around in my head.......over and over and over and over.

*Disclaimer: no sympathy needed, I just had to get this out. The Husband thinks I should just make up my mind and stick to it.....obviously he's never been a woman.


Staci said...

It all is going to work out! :) I know what you mean about the need to decompress!!!

The funny part is, life always likes to throw a wrench in things and chances are since your life is "unsettled" you prob. will get preggo :) It will all work out in the end :)

Jennifer said...

I know where you are coming from all too well... God is in control and it will work out for you. Lots of prayers from my way!

WPMomOf2 (jen) said...

oh no, sorry to hear this. hang in there, this too shall pass (as they say)

Schmoochiepoo said...

Good luck with your decision, it will all work out the way it needs to.

I hate it when life gets upside down, I like my plan darnnit!

Lisha said...

You are doing the best thing you can right now and that is positive self-talk. Keep your head up high! I understand why you are worried about trying for number 2 right now with the way things look. I feel the same way about number 3 here. I am the same way with stability and control. It will all work out. Keep us posted on how you are feeling, so you never feel alone!

That Girl said...

thanks guys!

~~Mel~~ said...

First, I want you to take a deep breath! lol.

No really, the closer the date approaches when you will (likely) lose your job...well chances are you are going to stress a little's totally understandable...try not to let all those thoughts overwhelm you.

Connie Weiss said...

obviously he's never been a woman. LOL!

Good Luck to you! I hate the unknown and it is especially hard when you still want another baby.

Hang in there!

Jen said...

Hang in there! Everything works out the way it is supposed to - and I know of more than one supposedly 'infertile' couples who got pregnant on their own when it was the right time - have faith :)

Tanielle said...

I'm sorry! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope everything will work out smoothly!

I am a mean parent too. My son who is almost twelve finally gets to stay up until 8:30!:-) He is so excited!

Hugs! Maegan said...

we might actually have the same brain. lol. I'm sorry for your you've been at it longer than I. It's just debilitating sometimes and then I feel like an asshole for not appreciating what I have. It's a mind -F. youknow. ;) I hope it either happens or we find peace with it soon ...likenow

Brandy said...

Don't feel bad, my husband says I "dwell" on things too much. Some things should require more thought, and I'd say not having a job (or finding a new one) is one of them.

I've always found that things happen when they should so if you get pregnant soon then it was meant to be & you'll make it work.

Good luck!