My Brain: The Battlezone

I am the most indecisive person in the world. I am also a control freak. And I do not like change. These things are not working very well for me these days.

I am losing my job in 29 days, we know this. I accept this. Part of me is happy because I get to move on and I eagerly want to. I cant stand the people I work with....really I wont miss any of them or keep in contact. I am more than ready to start a new adventure and meet some new people, learn some new things. I don't have to dress up at my work now and Ive always missed that. I'm the girl who wears khaki's or cargo's because it makes me feel more dressed up than when I'm wearing jeans. So I look forward to that again. I know, I know, most people would love to wear jeans everyday.

Then there is my hours. I work 7am-3:30pm. I love getting off early but hate getting UP early. Miss M has recently started being a grown up and complaining about her 7:30pm bedtime. "No one can believe that I go to bed so early.....so and so stays up to 9:30 or even 11pm" Yeah, that already. ugh So we have moved her bedtime to 8pm, as long as the mornings aren't rough. She will be 8yrs old in about a month and shes had this bedtime forever. She will be happy if I get new hours and gets an even later bedtime. On the flip side, I feel like new hours will turn our life upside down. We eat dinner now at 5pm. Most people are just leaving work at this time. Also, The Husband goes to work even before me at 7am so now we will be working a little different hours. What if I am up late and he always wants to go to bed early? This probably wont happen because I am a sleeper and he isn't but it is a thought that has crossed my mind.

I wish I were psychic.

Everything will be OK. The amount of unemployment I get will be more than if I take a job. I found out on Friday that there is some cobra thing going on that the government will pay most of your cobra bill. You pay 35%, which is excellent and will be about the amount I pay now. So that works out. You can collect this for 9 months....I guess they are doing this because so many people have lost their jobs. It has to be an involuntary termination so I hope a contract ending falls into that category.

I still worry about the baby situation. I am so torn over this that I cried for like 2 hours last night. How can I possibly try for a baby right now when our life is about to be turned upside down? I crave stability and I need to know everything would be OK. I feel like I don't have the time to wait a year. I am not getting any younger. (Almost 35) All of my friends are done having babies and here I am wanting to start with another at this rocky time. Then I think how I am not the most fertile so we really shouldn't give up trying because it may not even happen now anyway. But what if? Then what if I do get pregnant and no one wants to hire me because I am huge. The Husband said I would have 4-5 months before I started showing. ha! Isn't he sweet. With M it was that way but I am about 50lbs heavier now and I hear its quicker with the 2nd pregnancy.

I know everything will work out, I truly believe it but it still scares me. I just feel like I don't know which way to go. These thoughts are just swirling around in my head.......over and over and over and over.

*Disclaimer: no sympathy needed, I just had to get this out. The Husband thinks I should just make up my mind and stick to it.....obviously he's never been a woman.