Infertility

Sucks and it hurts. Not physically hurts more like putting a fist through your chest….grabbing your heart and slowllllllllly turning it and pulling it out. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
Here I go with the real life stuff again. I will warning you if you are one of those people who get pregnant by just being in the same room with a man, you should probably stop reading now. You may not like what I have to say. I mean no harm but these are my feelings.

It sucks to hear that someone else is pregnant. That should be a time for joyous laughs and ohhh yay’s but when you have dealt with Infertility its more of a time to cry. I hate that I cant be happy for people that are pregnant. It doesn’t matter if its real life or if its on the Internet. It hurts. Women are supposed to make babies, that’s just what they do. I know that’s a silly way of thinking but its kinda true. So when you cant make babies it feels like something is wrong with you. At least it does for me.

I know you guys have no idea what I am even talking about so here comes the hard part where I share stuff about me. I was with my ex-husband for 8 years and we tried to get pregnant almost the whole time we were together. We went through testing on me and him. His sperm count came back low so we assumed it was him that was the problem. Welllll he decided that he was going to use us not having a baby as an excuse to go cheat with someone who had 2 kids because….they could have kids. Messed up, right? Yeah it almost gave me a nervous breakdown. Here’s where it gets good….the cheating husband and the home wrecking whore got pregnant and had their baby before we were even divorced. That’s always good for the self esteem. I date another guy for a year, we have sex one last time before I decide I hate him and SURPRISE. My miracle baby was born. Now I know all about safe sex blah blah so save the judgement. My husband had a baby with someone else! At this point in life I really didn’t care about anything and I really shouldn’t have even been in this relationship with the boyfriend. I assumed it was me that couldn’t have kids since my ex-husband proved that he could.
The biological idiot has never and will never be a part of my daughter’s life. I carry huuuuuge guilt that I didn’t give her the white picket fence life like I had always planned for my kids. The one that I had. I met The Husband when she was 2yrs old and he loves her just like his own, honestly, but it still bothers me that she may be ‘scarred’ in the future or something. And I will be the one who caused that.

Whoa. So much for giving you a little back-story. Now here I am happily married with my miracle baby and 2 step daughters. Things should be ok since I now have more kids but its not. The Husband and I would love to have a baby but it doesn’t work. Again. We have both had kids so we know we can. Its all so frustrating. I should be happy that I have been blessed with what I have since many don’t even have that. But I want a baby. It makes my eyes sting to read about people that are pregnant. Who am I kidding? I avoid it. I will go out of my way to not read about peoples pregnancies. I even alienated my best friend when she was pregnant. It. Just. Hurts. I want to be able to experience pregnancy and all that goes with it with someone. Being a single mom made me really strong and independent but I would like to try it the real way too. Now I feel like I'm too old to even have another baby. (34)

I’m not re-reading this because I don’t want to cry so excuse any errors you may find.